Being hypercritical and hard on yourself as a means of motivation can be counterproductive in a bunch of ways, but it is also a hard pattern to break.
Jane Coyle, a psychotherapist in Vero Beach, says that people who are hard on themselves usually have unrealistic explanations. She explains, “You have to ask yourself, ‘What are the effects of my expectations?’
“Do you expect yourself to be perfect? If you can’t be perfect, is there another option?”
Psychology Today lists five signs you can use to determine if you’re too hard on yourself.
1. You psychologically beat yourself up over mistakes that have minimal consequences. Coyle says, “Good and bad things happen to everyone, but it we’re overly critical we only think about our mistakes and don’t hear compliments,” or spend time reflecting on our successes. Most of our mistakes are small ones that have no or minimal consequences, but even with a consequential mistake, instead of beating yourself up, treat yourself kindly, the way you would a friend who made an error, while also recognizing the healthy role of guilt as an inner compass. Allow yourself to move on once you’ve done your best to correct an error.
2. Your self-care is continually bumped off your to-do list in favor of your other priorities. “We’re taught to be good friends, good partners, good siblings – but not good to ourselves,” says Coyle. “People think if they give themselves grace that they’re being selfish.”
3. When someone treats you poorly, you find a way to interpret it as your fault. Coyle says to ask yourself if you allow people to be mean to you. “Do you excuse other people’s bad behavior because you think you ARE bad [or weak or worthless] and that’s what you deserve?”
4. You always go the extra mile. Going the extra mile is admirable, but constantly going to the last inch of the extra mile is exhausting, especially if you’re supporting others emotionally.
“It’s easier for most of us to be more compassionate about others than we are about ourselves,” explains Coyle. “If you have empathy for others, you can be sensitive to their situations and not as hard on them as you are on yourself.”
5. You feel like a failure, even though you mostly have your life together. People who are overly self-critical look at their life and see all the areas in which they’re not perfect. They overlook all the things they do right. “That’s true,” says Coyle. “We all need to give ourselves grace, accept the fact that we’re fallible. Accepting our positive and negative feelings allows us to proactively address our own needs.”
Here are five tips that can help you stop being so hard on yourself, according to experts:
- Understand the roots of your perfectionism. For some, it might be that they never got the support they needed growing up. For others, it might be their fear of failure.
- Find support. If you find that you’re being too hard on yourself, find someone you trust that you can talk to about your struggles. This could be a friend, family member, co-worker or even a therapist. It will allow you to gain perspective on the situation.
- Use positive self-talk. Your inner voice is always with you, but you can make it work for you. Strive for a positive inner dialogue by saying things like, “You’re doing just fine, don’t worry. You are a wonderful person with many good qualities. You try hard and often succeed.”
- Make time for yourself. When we feel overwhelmed and overworked, we need to make time for ourselves. Take a break and do something that makes you happy.
- Give yourself permission to make mistakes. When you’re feeling like you’re not good enough, give yourself permission to make mistakes and do things imperfectly. Coyle says that we shouldn’t let others set the standard for our success.
“Success is a very subjective thing that differs from person to person. Who actually gets to decide what’s realistic or unrealistic? Things like cultural and socioeconomic issues come into play. Don’t let others make the decision for you.”
She says it’s important for parents to help their children learn to have realistic expectations.
“People don’t realize that their own unrealistic expectations affect their kids’ view of themselves.
“Even if parents think they’re not pressuring their kids, their own attitude filters through. No one wants their children to grow up thinking, ‘You’re not OK if you’re not perfect.’”
Jane Coyle is a psychotherapist specializing in anxiety disorders, relationship therapy and narcissistic personality disorders. She has a B.A. from Mount Holyoke College, a Master of Science in Social Service degree from Boston University School of Social Work and is certified in clinical social work by the National Association of Social Workers. Her practice, Coyle & Mattern, LLC, is located at 2770 Indian River Blvd., Vero Beach. The phone number is 772-569-9300.